Odd Burtus …
Sort of an oblique reference to Dean Koontz’s Odd Thomas character -not that I can commune with the dead with any regularity, but I sure feel as if I have spent a life time being the odd guy out.
Growing up I was always just a little off, very creative, tested very high in school apptitude tests but performed poorly. I was always drawing, writing, taking things apart, or building contraptions of some sort, daydreaming, catching small critters, racing around as fast as I could go, sometimes pensive and sometimes chatting up a dizzying storm.
My mom died when I was two and after a few years living with family out west my dad remarried and we moved to Union City, New Jersey. This would have been about 1964 and we were the first spanish family on the block, and one of only two that I knew of in my school. You’ve heard the saying ‘it was the best of times, and it was the worst of times?’ Well, that was true to a large extent. I was a really dreamy innocent kid which earned me a handful of friends, and served to shield me from some of the racism I experienced later - sometimes being dumb is your best defense. Not to say the town was racist as a whole - there were lots of wonderful people- but there are always caveman types who want to club anything that looks different.
Some of the things I suffered will probably never be spoken but there were certainly generous doses of bullies who just didn’t like the little spanish kid - which was strange since I was born in Brooklyn and never considered myself anything other than a true blue American. Still, ignorant people judge on a very superficial scale, and on that scale I was different. I took a fair amount of lumps for several years. I soon learned that the ‘windmill defense’ -which I thought should theoretically work pretty well was useless in a fight. I also found out that you can’t learn Karate by reading books at the public library.
I finally got my growth in high school, did some wrestling, boxing and a few years of martial arts after which the bullies disappeared. I had some good friends at this time, but still didn’t fit in very well. On the one hand I scored some of the highest SAT and IQ scores at my school (just behind a guy who cried if he scored anything less than a 99%) but my grades were usually just average.
It was only 4 years ago, at the age of 43 that testing showed that I had ADD and some small memory and learning problems but a very high IQ. The psychologist running the tests felt I should have more testing to rule out other possible conditions like autism or Asperger’s Syndrome but my insurance ran out at this point, so that was that. Wouldn’t make much difference at this point -other than satisfying my curiosity- as I’ve managed to work my way through life without knowing.
In a way I felt a certain vindication at the acknowledgement that something was different about me. Many people were quick to brush me off as unmotivated and lazy over the years but I never was; in fact, if anything, I was usually doing too many things at once. I’ve almost always worked more than one job, been involved with charities and church, and owned several small businesses, often juggling all at the same time.
Which kind of brings me to the root of this cathartic post today. I was so happy to return to school last year. Being surrounded with other creatives I felt like I was finally among other odd birds like myself, and so, despite our individual differences felt I belonged. But in recent weeks I’ve come to feel that even here I don’t quite fit in. I’m not sure if it is my age, or maybe I am just too weird -even in a group full of other weird folk. Still I’d like to feel I have made some friends and positively contributed to the group.
So, I find myself where I’ve been many times throughout my life. There are 9 weeks until graduation, a pounding load of work at school, my job and my internship. I’m raising my sails and going full steam ahead. Hopefully somewhere at the end of this journey I’ll find a place where I fit or I’ll be famous enough that weirdness is considered genius.